Thursday, October 18, 2007
Is it something I've done? Do I not make you happy? Is it because I live in a tree and eat insects? That is no reason to treat me like a tree frog. You are amphibianphobic. There is a place for you - it's called WalMart.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
In the first photo, you can clearly see the rage in the wild melon-man's eyes. If he looks scary here, believe me, he is even scarier in person. However, pushed forward by the testosterone that was coursing through my veins, I lunged forward to capture the wild melon man in his natural habitat (which happens to be my windowsill).
He was not happy, and became even wilder. He bit my hand. I was angry. The wild melon-man has very sharp teeth and very, very bad breath. I was now worried about possibly getting an infection.
We wrestled in my neighbors shrubs for some time before we both fell to the floor, naked and exhausted. We felt a bond that only exists between two wild animals fighting for survival. I gazed into the eyes of the wild melon-man and told him I loved him. He spit in my face. I then stabbed him between the eyes and ate him for lunch.
Such is life.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I suffered much at the hands of nature, at the hands of god, and especially at the hands of my neighbors, who didn't seem to appreciate my living in their shrubs for 2 months. Or maybe it was the loin cloth I was wearing.
I have returned with many stories, many scars, and a few trophies. Pictures to follow...
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I Dill Weed, your Master Blogger (MB) have contracted a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome from the incessant blogging I participate in. In addition to the mild case of carpel tunnel, I have lost feeling in the ring finger and pinky finger of my right hand, have blisters on the end of every finger on my left hand, and have come down with a rather volatile case of IBS. I also have a headache, and my angry girlfriend who smells like cheese has threatened to leave me for someone named Roger Roger Roger.
Therefore, I am taking a hiatus from the love of my life, TBTMNS. Please stay tuned for future posts, and in the meantime, please feel free to peruse our extensive library of archived posts.
Thank you for your time, your attention, your love, your dedication and your pretty smile.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The game is played in Central Park, N.Y.C and starts promptly at 4:30 pm on a sunny Saturday afternoon in early June. Air temperature is a very pleasant 73 degrees Fahrenheit, the humidity is a comfortable 20% and the wind is blowing gently from the north west at 2-3mph.
Halfway around the globe, at the same exact time, a baby cries.
Who wins the game - Team A or Team B?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Therefore, because I love each and everyone of you, I will share with you a heart healthy recipe that is guaranteed to help you lose weight and to stay in tip top physical shape!
TBTMNS Breakfast Pie (serves 3-4 people or 8-9 cats)
3 duck eggs
1 bottle of Heinz Green Catsup
1 pint of vanilla ice cream
2 tablespoons of salt
1 tablespoon Tobasco sauce
1 head of cauliflower
Preheat oven to 1500 degrees Fahrenheit
Empty vanilla ice cream into blender
Crack three duck eggs into blender
Cover liberally with Heinz green catsup
Add two tablespoons of salt
Add 1 tablespoon of Tobasco sauce
Blend for 20 minutes at sonic speed
Empty contents of blender onto tray. Leave tray out for 24 hours at room temperature.
Garnish with cauliflower.
Mmmmmm Mmmmmmm! Eat your heart out Tony Blair.
Friday, June 15, 2007
The agenda for the meeting is as follows:
5:15 - Introduce Lorenzo to the team
5:25 - Individual team members will introduce themselves to Lorenzo. When introducing yourself, please be sure to mention the following: a) Your favorite flavor of ice cream b) your shoe size c) your sexual preference (men, women, both, neither or other) d) your strategy for increasing market share for your particular product line and/or geographic region
5:45 - Lorenzo will teach us how to make lemonaid from lemons. Please be sure to bring a large pitcher, ice, lemons and sugar. No artificial sweetener will be allowed into the room. Lorenzo is deathly afraid of all artificial sweeteners. Large doses have been proven to cause cancer in lab rats.
6:05 - Lorenzo will sneeze, pass gas, belch and pick his nose. This ritual marks the half way point of our meeting.
6:07 - Lorenzo will begin his presentation on "The molecular structure of petroleum based plastic derivatives and how we can make the world a greener place by spray painting everything green."
6:50 - Lorenzo will conclude his presentation with a human sacrifice. Straws will be drawn.
7:10 - Dinner
***NOTE*** When addressing Lorenzo, do not look him directly in the eye. If for some reason you do look Lorenzo in the eye, you should immediately go to your hands and knees and begin to massage his calves while singing the Algerian national anthem.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Today is June 11th, and it marks the 162 day of the year 2007, Anno Domini. I am sitting in front of my laptop. My wireless mouse, my ipod (which is charging) and a stack of checks, bills and receipts sit to my right. To my left is a tall glass of cold water. It is perspiring in the heat of the afternoon, and a ring of water has gathered around the base of the glass and is ruining the finish on my dark, wood stained desk. I am very upset about that. To the left of the glass sits a portable, 1 gig hard drive. This purple and silver chewing gum shaped technological marvel currently holds a series of photographs that need to be delivered to my printer, Gina, at Spectra. Gina is a very nice woman with short cropped hair and a dark complexion. If I had to guess, I would say she is of South East Asian decent - either Cambodian or Vietnamese.
On my desk you can also find the silver ring I wear on the pinky finger of my right hand, my wrist watch, my wallet and my keychain. The keychain carries 5 keys: One required for entry to my apartment building, one required for unlocking the deadbolt (a.k.a. "Top Lock") of my apartment, one key for the bottom lock of my apartment, one key for my apartment mailbox and one key for my post office box. Very exciting.
Sharing space with the five keys is a little plastic card that serves as entry to the gym I belong to - New York Sports Club. The plastic tag is tattered and worn. The original hole through which my key ring once laced through grew wider and wider until one day the interior edge of the hole met the outer border of the tag and the hole was no longer a hole, but a tear that caused the tag to become detached from my keyring. I had to create a new hole for my keyring by heating a small metal rod and pushing it through the tag. The heat caused the plastic to soften to the point where I was able to insert the metal rod completely through the plastic tag. I then removed the metal rod and, one the plastic had cooled, I reinserted my keyring through the new hole. Now I can go to the gym again.
That's it for today. Stay tuned, as tomorrow I will describe in excruciating detail the contents of my top desk drawer. Then, on Wednesday, I will discuss my rolodex and the two bins that sit behind my laptop and hold various paper products. I may also discuss at that time the photograph that sits on my desk, the clock that sits next to the photograph and the pride of my life, a brass paperweight in the shape of a pyramid that was given to me on the day of my five year anniversary with Fidelity Investments. I always keep it shiny and close to me. Thanks Ned.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
I am paying top dollar for Yani cassets.
I am scratching a stranger's foot with a half-eaten Snickers bar I found under my bus seat.
I am submerging my face and pinky fingers in emulsifier.
I am listening to the sound of one hand clapping.
I am thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
I am staring off into space, wondering if she had changed it all, if her hair was still red.
I am channeling the spirit of Millard Fillmore, who was, in my humble opinion, one the 50 best Presidents this country has ever had. Ever.
I am laughing. At you! HAHAHAHAHA. You smell.
Grandma put her face in the toilet again!
The dog is making eggs.
The parakeet is singing the blues.
The tree is farting little puffs of Cindy Crawford shaped oxygen bubbles into the air.
I am lost in the maze of coffee.
Can you please help me defeat the defeatist?
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Here is how it works: I have created proprietary software that scans the text of this blog and places text ads to the right of the corresponding blog entry. The assumption is that if someone is reading this blog, then they will also be interested in the ads that are showing. The reader clicks the ad, and I make the money I need to help feed my 9 starving children and the litter of cute little puppies my malnourished dog just gave birth to.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Meet me on the Blue Danube. With ketchup.
The Marshmallow Pavilion is nearly complete.
The Pie Maverick is breathing down our necks.
Alas, I will leave this desolate place and head to where the grain grows fat and the women are like turnips.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Each summer, I get my hair styled in the ever-popular mullet cut, grow a handlebar mustache, subsist on only lime flavored popsicles and cinnamon raisin toast, and go from neighborhood to neighborhood scrapping chewed gum from the sidewalks and streets of my fine city. It is only in the summer, when the sun scorches the cement sidewalks and asphalt streets, that the chewed gum can be coerced into loosening its stubborn grip on the tiny patch of pavement it has called home all winter long.
Let me be clear on one thing - I do not use my fingers, nor my teeth, to clean the gum up. I use popsicle sticks (I like to call them "Popsicle Skeletons" and will henceforth refer to all popsicle sticks as "Popsicle Skeletons").
I know you well, my avid reader, loyal fan and lifelong servant! You are smart, intelligent, good looking, and both admire and appreciate my genius (However, I must note with a twinge of disappointment - you are apparently not very well off, as I have yet to receive any cash donations). That is how I know you are asking yourself "How on earth does TBTMNS keep his daily dose of 19 lime flavored popsicles from melting as he transverses the baking city in search of gum carcases?". A most excellent question my pupil! Let me explain...
I have a wagon. I have a bike. I have affixed the wagon, which I painted bright yellow and call "Fred", to the bike. Resting within the wagon is a mini-refrigerator. I call the mini-fridge "Melissa". I have affixed solar panels to Melissa's lovely frame so that she can run on the energy that is emitted from the earth's nearest star, which I affectionately refer to as "The Sun". It is this little bit of ingenuity (coupled with dedication and moxy) that keeps my daily stash of lime popsicles from melting and fuels my ceaseless journey through the city's gum covered streets.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Under the guise of anonymity I shall reveal my true identity and remove the albatross of deceit from my soul:
My real name is Pedro O'Neil. I own an ice cream and latex glove manufacturing plant in east Jersey. I have 3 children, 2 ex-wives, 11 fingers and two eyes. In my spare time I like to peel strawberries and feed them to strangers I meet on the subway. I have calf implants and wear a mohawk toupee.
If we ever cross paths, be it on the subway, on the street, or at the doctors office where they give me electroshock therapy to try to keep the voices in my head quiet but they can't shut them up because the voices know the truth and they guide me and tell me what to do like go out to the store and eat a pumpkin or stand in the street the voices always know what is best for me they are the only friends i have everyone else is out to get me they pretend to like me but are talking behind my back and plotting to get their hands on my ice cream and latex glove manufacturing plant but i (we) will have the last laugh.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
"It can't be." I said as I kicked the bag of frozen peas into oncoming traffic and watched as they sprayed across the night sky like florescent green buck shot.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
THE CHICKEN CUTLETS BURN MY EYES!
Monday, May 21, 2007
I said "Goodbye" and returned to my horse. I was happy to be away from that strange, ugly woman.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I really need my allowance.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Thursday, May 3, 2007
TBTMNS has been set free like a caged pigeon, and like a caged pigeon that has just been set free, we are ready to spray the world with our postings.
Look skyward. Be ready.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Until then my friends, remember: Darkness is not the opposite of light. It is the absence of light.
Also, remember to call your mom.
Your fearless leader,
Monday, April 23, 2007
It sticks on her arms and sticks in her hair. When she stand up, jelly flies everywhere.
She wobbles down the street and she rolls down the lane, squashing little kids like stale candy canes.
She'll eat you out of house and she'll eat you out of home, she'll eat your pet dog and she'll eat your garden gnome.
She'll eat your arm and she'll eat your leg, she'll eat your kitchen table and then she'll beg.
She'll beg for more food and she'll beg for some cash, she'll beg and beg to find your porno stash.
Now let's discuss something real. A real topic. Like Smurfs. Smurfs are AWESOME. They are little blue dudes that just run around all happy all the time. What a life. Keep rocking little smurf dudes. Keep on rockin in the smurf world.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
The fruit flies have been right all along.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The horror. The horror.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Monday, April 9, 2007
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Hit me in the face with flava mava freakin' kaka.
Punch me in the arm with blaza maza razor flocka.
Tell me that I am the Cravin' Mavin' Hippa-Hoppa.
I like to drink my coffee with Choc-fulla-gloppa.
My name is Peter Piper Peter Locka Duka Docca.
If you don't respect me I'm gonna flippa-floppa (your face).
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Fighting off plagues of aphids and the blogger's angry, cheese-smelling girlfriend, the two find love only to lose it in the end to a Danish pygmy who was the runner-up in the 1997 Eastern European boogey-boarding championship.
Faustian in it's theme, it is, in reality, a modern day tragedy based on the eternal struggle between flora and fauna, heartbreak and heartburn, chocolate and vanilla.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Ok - so no post today. Sorry to disappoint you, my legions of loyal readers. Do not fret though - we shall persevere and make believers out of those who doubt TBTMNS and vanquish the rest.
Good luck and God speed.
Your friend and ruthless leader,
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Dear Mr. McScroogles,
I am quite flattered by your interest in wanting to eat my spleen, and I am sure I speak for my wide audience when I say that they too are flattered.
Since your initial contact, I have done extensive research on the human spleen, as well as the gall bladder and the appendix that you stated you would also accept.
Unfortunately, I can not offer you any of the aforementioned internal organs at this time. They all seem to serve a purpose (except perhaps my appendix), and to be honest, I have grown quite fond of them during the course of the past 32 years.
I will let you know if I have a falling out with any of those organs and change my mind regarding their edibility. In the meantime, I wish you the best of luck with your spleen endevours, and urge you not to be a stranger to the TBTMNS community.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
This blog. This blog is a living multicellular organism that will live forever. It eats, it sleeps, and more importantly, it breeds. And after thousands of years, it will evolve into the most powerful multicellular organism ever seen. It will destroy everything else and will eventually rule the entire universe (except for the planet Neptune which, due to a previous agreement, is off limits to TBTMNS).
Pay homage to TBTMNS today, and be spared it's wrath! You can pay homage in two ways: by sending money (U.S. $ denominated bills - no coins) or by posting a comment. Any comment at all. Failure to either leave a comment or donate money will result in your eventual destruction and/or immediate expulsion to the 9th dimension, otherwise known as the 'LEMON' dimension (trust me, it's not as cool as it sounds).
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I am the Hemingway of March 27, 2007.
I am the Bukowski of Apartment 10-E.
I am the Nietzsche of The Blog That Makes No Sense (TBTMNS).
I am the zeitgeist of tomorrow afternoon.
Yes - the post is that good, and I am reveling in my creativity.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
I am also reminded of avocados and fire ants. Also, Yusuf Islam (the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens) comes to mind.
Am I the only one??????
I can't be....
Friday, March 23, 2007
Disclaimer (from the TBTMNS legal department): TBTMNS is not responsible for any injuries, fights, wars, plagues, nuclear winters, winters of discontent, spring chickens, summer squash, or autumn warts that may occur from any of the above suggestions.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
From: Rudy McScroogles
Re: Eating your spleen
I am still very interested in eating your spleen, and/or the spleen(s) of any of your many, many readers. In lieu of a spleen, I will happily settle for either a gall bladder or an appendix. Please reiterate this information to your many, many readers and respond back to me at your earliest convenience.
Monday, March 19, 2007
This is the blog that makes no sense.
This is the blog that makes no sense.
This is the blog that makes no sense!?
Bloga Bloga, Blog Bloga Bloga.
This is the blog that makes no sense.
(Repeat first verse)
(Repeat first verse)
Yeah, Yeah. Oh Yeah!! Blog Bloga.
(Repeat first verse)
copyright d. weed productions, MMVII
Sunday, March 18, 2007
i don't know why it's in my eye
but it sure is ugly pie.
(Upon further reflection, I have come to learn why there was ugly pie in my eye. I was initially sceptical of just how ugly the pie was and so, with curiosity beating out better judgment, instinct and divine intervention, I approached the pie. Now only a few feet away, the pie was as ugly as ever. Still disbelieving, I decided to get an even closer look. I crept so close to the ugly pie that I soon had my face buried in it. I was marooned on the pie like an ancient mariner who lets the beautiful siren song guide his ship to ruin. The pie was the rock. My face was the ship. And not long after I came to my senses did I then realize that aside from having ugly pie in my stomach, in my hair, my nose, my mouth and ears, I also had ugly pie in my eye.
How silly of me - how could I have forgotten about something like that! In retrospect, it seems pretty obvious to me why there was ugly pie in my eye . Another day, another life lesson.)
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Thank you to everyone for making this possible. I have poured a lot of sweat and alcohol into making this dream come true, but at the end of the day, the truth is that I could not have done any of it without the help of my many loyal fans, servants and supporters.
You have my word that I will not let this new found celebrity go to my head, and I promise to keep posting my deepest, most insightful thoughts right here on this blog. In the meantime please keep the fan mail, the naked pictures and the donations coming.
Your humble servant,
Monday, March 12, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Being without my computer sucked (because of all I lost and all the catch up and reinstalation I've had to do), but in actuality, that week was quite productive. I read, took a bunch of photos, relaxed, etc. At least I had an answer for how I spent the day.
These computers are addictive. You have been warned. BY ME. AND THAT IS THE GREATEST WARNING OF ALL. GREATER THAN GETTING WARNED BY NAPOLEON OR BY MILARD FILMORE OR OSCAR GAMBLE.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
The hard drive on my 2 year old Mac Powerbook G4 died. I am not sure if it was suicide or a natural death, but that does not matter now. What matters is that I lost almost everything. I lost all my emails. I lost all my bookmarks. I lost a lot of writing, and most of the files I use to run my business. Many of these files were complex Excel spreadsheets that had been honed over the past two years into weapons of mass organization.
Luckily, I had some of the stuff backed up. However, this has been a very demoralizing event. I want to cry. I have to start from scratch in so many different areas that I think it might be easier to just never turn the fucking computer on again. I can't even log onto any of the websites I remember going to, since all my passwords are gone! This sucks...
Back up your data you bastards!
Saturday, February 24, 2007
I puked a mixture of beer, very cheap bourbon, very cheap white wine (we ran out of beer and cheap bourbon), more beer and I think there was a vodka tonic thrown in there somewhere. Undoubtedly, the vodka was very cheap vodka.
So, the moral of the story is: When you drink too much and have to puke, get it all in the toilet so your girlfriend doesn't get mad at you and so you don't have to clean it up later.