Thursday, May 31, 2007

Gum & Popsicles

It is May 31st, and the summer is rapidly approaching. This is important.

Each summer, I get my hair styled in the ever-popular mullet cut, grow a handlebar mustache, subsist on only lime flavored popsicles and cinnamon raisin toast, and go from neighborhood to neighborhood scrapping chewed gum from the sidewalks and streets of my fine city. It is only in the summer, when the sun scorches the cement sidewalks and asphalt streets, that the chewed gum can be coerced into loosening its stubborn grip on the tiny patch of pavement it has called home all winter long.

Let me be clear on one thing - I do not use my fingers, nor my teeth, to clean the gum up. I use popsicle sticks (I like to call them "Popsicle Skeletons" and will henceforth refer to all popsicle sticks as "Popsicle Skeletons").

I know you well, my avid reader, loyal fan and lifelong servant! You are smart, intelligent, good looking, and both admire and appreciate my genius (However, I must note with a twinge of disappointment - you are apparently not very well off, as I have yet to receive any cash donations). That is how I know you are asking yourself "How on earth does TBTMNS keep his daily dose of 19 lime flavored popsicles from melting as he transverses the baking city in search of gum carcases?". A most excellent question my pupil! Let me explain...

I have a wagon. I have a bike. I have affixed the wagon, which I painted bright yellow and call "Fred", to the bike. Resting within the wagon is a mini-refrigerator. I call the mini-fridge "Melissa". I have affixed solar panels to Melissa's lovely frame so that she can run on the energy that is emitted from the earth's nearest star, which I affectionately refer to as "The Sun". It is this little bit of ingenuity (coupled with dedication and moxy) that keeps my daily stash of lime popsicles from melting and fuels my ceaseless journey through the city's gum covered streets.

Monday, May 28, 2007


Toast = Sustenance
Sustenance = Life

Toast = Life

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Living A Lie

I am living a lie. It is called my life. It is a lie because I am really someone else, not myself. I have been lying about this since my birth, some 91 years ago.

Under the guise of anonymity I shall reveal my true identity and remove the albatross of deceit from my soul:

My real name is Pedro O'Neil. I own an ice cream and latex glove manufacturing plant in east Jersey. I have 3 children, 2 ex-wives, 11 fingers and two eyes. In my spare time I like to peel strawberries and feed them to strangers I meet on the subway. I have calf implants and wear a mohawk toupee.

If we ever cross paths, be it on the subway, on the street, or at the doctors office where they give me electroshock therapy to try to keep the voices in my head quiet but they can't shut them up because the voices know the truth and they guide me and tell me what to do like go out to the store and eat a pumpkin or stand in the street the voices always know what is best for me they are the only friends i have everyone else is out to get me they pretend to like me but are talking behind my back and plotting to get their hands on my ice cream and latex glove manufacturing plant but i (we) will have the last laugh.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Long Island

"It's true." she said as she raised her bejeweled left hand in a spastic manner to wipe away the beet juice that had accumulated on her brow.

"It can't be." I said as I kicked the bag of frozen peas into oncoming traffic and watched as they sprayed across the night sky like florescent green buck shot.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My French toast has a British accent.

I wear an aqualung around my waist to help me through the day. When people stop me in the street and ask me what it is, I say it is a big metal aqualung that I wear around my waist to help me through the day. When things get really bad, I submerge my left hand in the aqualung until my pH balance has been restored.


Monday, May 21, 2007

I saw your mom the other day. She was fishing. I asked her how she was doing. She said she was doing "Ok". I asked her what was new and she said "Nothing". I asked her if she had caught any fish and she said "No". I asked her how long she had been outside in the freezing cold and she said "I don't know". I asked her if she needed a ride back into town and she said "No I don't need a ride into town. I'm taking my new Hummer 3 out for a spin later on this afternoon and then I have to stop by the market to pick up more fish and some milk so that I can cook dinner for my family".

I said "Goodbye" and returned to my horse. I was happy to be away from that strange, ugly woman.

Sunday, May 20, 2007


The codfish king is sleeping.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Otto von Boobenhoffer likes to eat sugar beets with his feet while listening to his "Engleberg Humperdink's Greatest Hits" record on his phonograph.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Advice from TBTMNS

DO NOT burn tires in your apartment and then attempt to put the fire out with hydrochloric acid.

Not a good idea. Trust me.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


Can I please have my allowance? I did my chores, made my bed, slept in it, and then made it again. I had my cake and ate it too. Then I took out the garbage. Then I dusted the file cabinet with your favorite pair of tighty whities. Then I peeled some fruit and decided to throw it out the window at the old woman who was passing below. I followed that with coffee grinds and pork rinds. She was not happy.

I really need my allowance.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

you smell.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Good News!

I just received an official off-the-record email stating that the Blog That Makes No Sense has been issued a non-conditional temporary permanent permit to resume posting our knowledge and wisdom on the internets. Frank F. in internet compliance pulled some strings for us (although he has yet to produce the cup of warm soup we requested) and apparently got the Mid-Level Senior Junior Vice-President of Lower-Level Senior Junior Vice-Presidents who is in charge of overseeing the oversight of the department that sits across from the Internet Compliance Compliance Department to get the appropriate stamps and signatures. Bravo to you, Frank F. You will always be a friend (and maybe more (wink wink)) of The Blog That Makes No Sense.

TBTMNS has been set free like a caged pigeon, and like a caged pigeon that has just been set free, we are ready to spray the world with our postings.

Look skyward. Be ready.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007


The Blog That Makes No Sense (TBTMNS) has been suspended from posting on the internet. All entries are being reviewed by Frank F. in the internet compliance department, and we will return to broadcasting our wisdom and wit once Frank F. from compliance gives us the green light and a cup of warm soup.

Until then my friends, remember: Darkness is not the opposite of light. It is the absence of light.

Also, remember to call your mom.

Your fearless leader,

Dill Weed