TBTMNS Vacation

We here at The Blog That Makes No Sense are on a much needed, albeit temporary, vacation from the rigors of blogging.

I Dill Weed, your Master Blogger (MB) have contracted a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome from the incessant blogging I participate in. In addition to the mild case of carpel tunnel, I have lost feeling in the ring finger and pinky finger of my right hand, have blisters on the end of every finger on my left hand, and have come down with a rather volatile case of IBS. I also have a headache, and my angry girlfriend who smells like cheese has threatened to leave me for someone named Roger Roger Roger.

Therefore, I am taking a hiatus from the love of my life, TBTMNS. Please stay tuned for future posts, and in the meantime, please feel free to peruse our extensive library of archived posts.

Thank you for your time, your attention, your love, your dedication and your pretty smile.

A Riddle

Team A and Team B are playing each other in softball. Team A is known as the "Mad Dogs" and sport blue uniform tops, gray pants and black cleats. Team B is known as the "Ground Hogs" and wear yellow tops, green pants and green cleats. Team A bats first.

The game is played in Central Park, N.Y.C and starts promptly at 4:30 pm on a sunny Saturday afternoon in early June. Air temperature is a very pleasant 73 degrees Fahrenheit, the humidity is a comfortable 20% and the wind is blowing gently from the north west at 2-3mph.

Halfway around the globe, at the same exact time, a baby cries.

Who wins the game - Team A or Team B?

Guts

You've got guts my friend. You are reading The Blog That Makes No Sense (TBTMNS), and that takes a lot of guts. Yards and yards of pink, intestine shaped guts.

Good for you.

A Healthy Recipe

Since there are still so precious few of you, my loyal fans, I feel the need to nurture each and every one of you as if you were my very own children. In return, you should think of me as the father you never met. Or better yet, the father you never knew you had until you were going through your mom's things one day after school and found a newspaper clipping that said "Lost Child" and it was YOUR picture in the article and the parents interviewed in the article were the two sudden strangers you had been calling "Mommy Moo" and "PopPop" for the past 48 years.

Therefore, because I love each and everyone of you, I will share with you a heart healthy recipe that is guaranteed to help you lose weight and to stay in tip top physical shape!

TBTMNS Breakfast Pie (serves 3-4 people or 8-9 cats)
Ingredients:
3 duck eggs
1 bottle of Heinz Green Catsup
1 pint of vanilla ice cream
2 tablespoons of salt
1 tablespoon Tobasco sauce
1 head of cauliflower

Directions:
Preheat oven to 1500 degrees Fahrenheit
Empty vanilla ice cream into blender
Crack three duck eggs into blender
Cover liberally with Heinz green catsup
Add two tablespoons of salt
Add 1 tablespoon of Tobasco sauce
Blend for 20 minutes at sonic speed
Empty contents of blender onto tray. Leave tray out for 24 hours at room temperature.
Garnish with cauliflower.

Mmmmmm Mmmmmmm! Eat your heart out Tony Blair.

Meeting

There is a meeting with Lorenzo scheduled for 5:15pm this afternoon. Please clear your calendars - this is a top priority. Lorenzo has traveled from afar to be briefed on our progress as individuals, as a team and as a self sustaining organism.

The agenda for the meeting is as follows:
5:15 - Introduce Lorenzo to the team
5:25 - Individual team members will introduce themselves to Lorenzo. When introducing yourself, please be sure to mention the following: a) Your favorite flavor of ice cream b) your shoe size c) your sexual preference (men, women, both, neither or other) d) your strategy for increasing market share for your particular product line and/or geographic region
5:45 - Lorenzo will teach us how to make lemonaid from lemons. Please be sure to bring a large pitcher, ice, lemons and sugar. No artificial sweetener will be allowed into the room. Lorenzo is deathly afraid of all artificial sweeteners. Large doses have been proven to cause cancer in lab rats.
6:05 - Lorenzo will sneeze, pass gas, belch and pick his nose. This ritual marks the half way point of our meeting.
6:07 - Lorenzo will begin his presentation on "The molecular structure of petroleum based plastic derivatives and how we can make the world a greener place by spray painting everything green."
6:50 - Lorenzo will conclude his presentation with a human sacrifice. Straws will be drawn.
7:10 - Dinner

***NOTE*** When addressing Lorenzo, do not look him directly in the eye. If for some reason you do look Lorenzo in the eye, you should immediately go to your hands and knees and begin to massage his calves while singing the Algerian national anthem.

Fight Fight Fight!!!!

Sgt. Pepper is kicking the crap out of Major Tom! I bet he wishes he had taken his protein pills and put his helmet on now. What a loser.

The Street

Frank and Joe are walking down the street together. It is a little after 2:12pm EST. They are walking at a rate of 3mph, heading north on a street that runs north/south for 2.2 miles, and then gently begins sloping towards the east/west. After another 3.1 miles, the street heads in a north easterly direction before ending at a three way intersection that contains a Kentucky Fried Chicken, a pesticide factory and a place to hang your hat.

For The Ones That "Don't Get It".

Here is an entry that I have created especially for the crazy people out there. You know who you are. You wash your fruit before you eat it. You look both ways before you cross the street. You have a file cabinet, and within your file cabinet you have a folder marked "Old Bank Statements". You like rice. And you like the smell of money. If any or all of the above apply to you, then this entry is yours...

Today is June 11th, and it marks the 162 day of the year 2007, Anno Domini. I am sitting in front of my laptop. My wireless mouse, my ipod (which is charging) and a stack of checks, bills and receipts sit to my right. To my left is a tall glass of cold water. It is perspiring in the heat of the afternoon, and a ring of water has gathered around the base of the glass and is ruining the finish on my dark, wood stained desk. I am very upset about that. To the left of the glass sits a portable, 1 gig hard drive. This purple and silver chewing gum shaped technological marvel currently holds a series of photographs that need to be delivered to my printer, Gina, at Spectra. Gina is a very nice woman with short cropped hair and a dark complexion. If I had to guess, I would say she is of South East Asian decent - either Cambodian or Vietnamese.

On my desk you can also find the silver ring I wear on the pinky finger of my right hand, my wrist watch, my wallet and my keychain. The keychain carries 5 keys: One required for entry to my apartment building, one required for unlocking the deadbolt (a.k.a. "Top Lock") of my apartment, one key for the bottom lock of my apartment, one key for my apartment mailbox and one key for my post office box. Very exciting.

Sharing space with the five keys is a little plastic card that serves as entry to the gym I belong to - New York Sports Club. The plastic tag is tattered and worn. The original hole through which my key ring once laced through grew wider and wider until one day the interior edge of the hole met the outer border of the tag and the hole was no longer a hole, but a tear that caused the tag to become detached from my keyring. I had to create a new hole for my keyring by heating a small metal rod and pushing it through the tag. The heat caused the plastic to soften to the point where I was able to insert the metal rod completely through the plastic tag. I then removed the metal rod and, one the plastic had cooled, I reinserted my keyring through the new hole. Now I can go to the gym again.

That's it for today. Stay tuned, as tomorrow I will describe in excruciating detail the contents of my top desk drawer. Then, on Wednesday, I will discuss my rolodex and the two bins that sit behind my laptop and hold various paper products. I may also discuss at that time the photograph that sits on my desk, the clock that sits next to the photograph and the pride of my life, a brass paperweight in the shape of a pyramid that was given to me on the day of my five year anniversary with Fidelity Investments. I always keep it shiny and close to me. Thanks Ned.

The Top Ten Things I Am Doing At This Exact Moment (TTTTIADATEM)

I am virtually karate-chopping your neck.
I am paying top dollar for Yani cassets.
I am scratching a stranger's foot with a half-eaten Snickers bar I found under my bus seat.
I am submerging my face and pinky fingers in emulsifier.
I am listening to the sound of one hand clapping.
I am thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
I am staring off into space, wondering if she had changed it all, if her hair was still red.
I am channeling the spirit of Millard Fillmore, who was, in my humble opinion, one the 50 best Presidents this country has ever had. Ever.

I am laughing. At you! HAHAHAHAHA. You smell.

EEEP OPP (EO)

Frankensence and Mur.
Grandma put her face in the toilet again!
The dog is making eggs.
The parakeet is singing the blues.
The tree is farting little puffs of Cindy Crawford shaped oxygen bubbles into the air.
I am lost in the maze of coffee.

Can you please help me defeat the defeatist?

Brilliant!

Since I have yet to receive any cash donations from my legions of loyal readers, I have concocted a brilliant new way for me to feed myself and my 7 starving, malnourished children (are you feeling guilty yet?).

Here is how it works: I have created proprietary software that scans the text of this blog and places text ads to the right of the corresponding blog entry. The assumption is that if someone is reading this blog, then they will also be interested in the ads that are showing. The reader clicks the ad, and I make the money I need to help feed my 9 starving children and the litter of cute little puppies my malnourished dog just gave birth to.

Instructions:

These are for you. You know who you are.

Meet me on the Blue Danube. With ketchup.
The Marshmallow Pavilion is nearly complete.

The Pie Maverick is breathing down our necks.
Alas, I will leave this desolate place and head to where the grain grows fat and the women are like turnips.