Monday, April 23, 2007

Smelly Nellie has a big belly. They say she is smelly 'cause she rolls her self in jelly.
It sticks on her arms and sticks in her hair. When she stand up, jelly flies everywhere.
She wobbles down the street and she rolls down the lane, squashing little kids like stale candy canes.

She'll eat you out of house and she'll eat you out of home, she'll eat your pet dog and she'll eat your garden gnome.
She'll eat your arm and she'll eat your leg, she'll eat your kitchen table and then she'll beg.
She'll beg for more food and she'll beg for some cash, she'll beg and beg to find your porno stash.


Now let's discuss something real. A real topic. Like Smurfs. Smurfs are AWESOME. They are little blue dudes that just run around all happy all the time. What a life. Keep rocking little smurf dudes. Keep on rockin in the smurf world.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Mr. Big Eye

Mr. Big Eye is watching you. That's why they call him that. He's got a really big eye and he can see a lot more out of his giant eye than most people can see with their (comparatively) smaller eyes.

Friday, April 20, 2007

A Very Special Day

Today is a very special day!!! April 20th is Semi-National Rotten Fruit Appreciation Day (RFAD). In celebration of this glorious day, I will be eating rotten fruit for the next 11 hours and 8 minutes. The best part about eating rotten fruit is that you don't even have to chew it. It is mushy and you can just suck it right in. Some fruits (depending on just how rotten they are) you don't even have to peel! The skin becomes one with the fruit in a dance of decomposition that has been taking place for millions of years. It is brown and it is beautiful.

The fruit flies have been right all along.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I have seen some unbelievable things. Like grass and cows and clouds and pie and ants and freeze and big smiley marshmallows and pie and pie and pie and pie and pie and bugs and sneeze and trees and whales and sharks and snakes and pie and french fries and paris and the sea and the sky and babies and pie and pie and pie and pie and pie plates and diners and squash and forks and dead wombats.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

What Mime is it?

My apartment is INFESTED with Nicaraguan mimes. They are everywhere. I can't get rid of them. They are just falling all over each other, miming. Mines in mime boxes, in mime prisons, pulling mime ropes, eating mime pie and watching mime soap operas.

The horror. The horror.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Check the Facts

Check the facts. They don't add up to anything more than a bunch of hypocritical nonsense that serves to keep the machine oiled and rolling over the bones of the people who have given their lives to keep it running smoothly. Long live Mike and Steve and Peter from the Hess gas station! Long live Betty and Marsha and Francine with the lazy eye! Long live Milk Duds!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

are you talking to me?

i punch myself in the face and then i drink whole milk.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Here is a poem I have written and recited many times (I've actually only written it once, but I have recited it many times. Sorry for the confusion). If you happen to live in NYC, you may even be lucky enough to catch me reciting this poem live. In person. Oh happy day! Then you can pay me the money you owe me and I can absolve you of your duty to touch my mustache and buy me some berries and a cup of coffee.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Self Portrait

Here is a self portrait. I think I look quite handsome, thank you very much.

Don't be jealous. It's not good for your skin.

Sunday, April 8, 2007


My name is Peter Piper Peter Locka Duka Docca.
Hit me in the face with flava mava freakin' kaka.
Punch me in the arm with blaza maza razor flocka.
Tell me that I am the Cravin' Mavin' Hippa-Hoppa.
I like to drink my coffee with Choc-fulla-gloppa.

Krocka Rocka.

My name is Peter Piper Peter Locka Duka Docca.
If you don't respect me I'm gonna flippa-floppa (your face).

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Subject of the story

This blog tells the heart wrenching story of a misguided blogger and the epic journey he undertakes to save his dying ficus tree.

Fighting off plagues of aphids and the blogger's angry, cheese-smelling girlfriend, the two find love only to lose it in the end to a Danish pygmy who was the runner-up in the 1997 Eastern European boogey-boarding championship.

Faustian in it's theme, it is, in reality, a modern day tragedy based on the eternal struggle between flora and fauna, heartbreak and heartburn, chocolate and vanilla.

Friday, April 6, 2007


(farting noise)
(harmonica & guitar noise)
(blowing nose noise)
(eating pie noise)
(reading TBTMNS noise)
(hemoglobin noise)

Thursday, April 5, 2007

No Post Today

I have decided not to write anything today, as I am very busy and just don't have the time to post. I am already late for meetings with famous people, world leaders, super models and hot dog salesmen. Yes, it's a very busy life. Having a blog that reaches 44% of the earth's population is no small job. Everyone is vying for influence. Bribes, blackmail, hallmark cards, first born children, mangoes and mechanical pencils fill my post office box. My phone is always ringing, and so are my ears. My feet itch and my eyes water. I like tennis.

Ok - so no post today. Sorry to disappoint you, my legions of loyal readers. Do not fret though - we shall persevere and make believers out of those who doubt TBTMNS and vanquish the rest.

Good luck and God speed.

Your friend and ruthless leader,

Dill Weed

Tuesday, April 3, 2007


You are the "crazy" ones.

You, the ones who eat "chicken" and "beans". You "know" who you are, and you should be "ashamed". That is, if you're not already.