Why Do You Treat Me Like A Tree Frog?

Can you answer me, just this once? Now that I have been out drinking all night and am full of liquid courage, please tell me: Why do you treat me like a tree frog?

Is it something I've done? Do I not make you happy? Is it because I live in a tree and eat insects? That is no reason to treat me like a tree frog. You are amphibianphobic. There is a place for you - it's called WalMart.

Footage of my near death encounter with the rabid melon-man that lived in my neighbors shrubs.

In the first photo, you can clearly see the rage in the wild melon-man's eyes. If he looks scary here, believe me, he is even scarier in person. However, pushed forward by the testosterone that was coursing through my veins, I lunged forward to capture the wild melon man in his natural habitat (which happens to be my windowsill).

He was not happy, and became even wilder. He bit my hand. I was angry. The wild melon-man has very sharp teeth and very, very bad breath. I was now worried about possibly getting an infection.

We wrestled in my neighbors shrubs for some time before we both fell to the floor, naked and exhausted. We felt a bond that only exists between two wild animals fighting for survival. I gazed into the eyes of the wild melon-man and told him I loved him. He spit in my face. I then stabbed him between the eyes and ate him for lunch.

Such is life.

Triumph!

I have just returned from a 2 month long hunting expedition deep in the hart of my neighbors shrubs.

I suffered much at the hands of nature, at the hands of god, and especially at the hands of my neighbors, who didn't seem to appreciate my living in their shrubs for 2 months. Or maybe it was the loin cloth I was wearing.

No matter!

I have returned with many stories, many scars, and a few trophies. Pictures to follow...

Pecan Pie

Here is a detailed list of all the people I know who like Pecan Pie:
Dan
Jon
Mary
Christian
Meredith
Scott
Thomas
Dieder
Jens
Frank F.
Robert
Howard
Natty 'Nugz' Nugat

TBTMNS Vacation

We here at The Blog That Makes No Sense are on a much needed, albeit temporary, vacation from the rigors of blogging.

I Dill Weed, your Master Blogger (MB) have contracted a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome from the incessant blogging I participate in. In addition to the mild case of carpel tunnel, I have lost feeling in the ring finger and pinky finger of my right hand, have blisters on the end of every finger on my left hand, and have come down with a rather volatile case of IBS. I also have a headache, and my angry girlfriend who smells like cheese has threatened to leave me for someone named Roger Roger Roger.

Therefore, I am taking a hiatus from the love of my life, TBTMNS. Please stay tuned for future posts, and in the meantime, please feel free to peruse our extensive library of archived posts.

Thank you for your time, your attention, your love, your dedication and your pretty smile.

A Riddle

Team A and Team B are playing each other in softball. Team A is known as the "Mad Dogs" and sport blue uniform tops, gray pants and black cleats. Team B is known as the "Ground Hogs" and wear yellow tops, green pants and green cleats. Team A bats first.

The game is played in Central Park, N.Y.C and starts promptly at 4:30 pm on a sunny Saturday afternoon in early June. Air temperature is a very pleasant 73 degrees Fahrenheit, the humidity is a comfortable 20% and the wind is blowing gently from the north west at 2-3mph.

Halfway around the globe, at the same exact time, a baby cries.

Who wins the game - Team A or Team B?

Guts

You've got guts my friend. You are reading The Blog That Makes No Sense (TBTMNS), and that takes a lot of guts. Yards and yards of pink, intestine shaped guts.

Good for you.

A Healthy Recipe

Since there are still so precious few of you, my loyal fans, I feel the need to nurture each and every one of you as if you were my very own children. In return, you should think of me as the father you never met. Or better yet, the father you never knew you had until you were going through your mom's things one day after school and found a newspaper clipping that said "Lost Child" and it was YOUR picture in the article and the parents interviewed in the article were the two sudden strangers you had been calling "Mommy Moo" and "PopPop" for the past 48 years.

Therefore, because I love each and everyone of you, I will share with you a heart healthy recipe that is guaranteed to help you lose weight and to stay in tip top physical shape!

TBTMNS Breakfast Pie (serves 3-4 people or 8-9 cats)
Ingredients:
3 duck eggs
1 bottle of Heinz Green Catsup
1 pint of vanilla ice cream
2 tablespoons of salt
1 tablespoon Tobasco sauce
1 head of cauliflower

Directions:
Preheat oven to 1500 degrees Fahrenheit
Empty vanilla ice cream into blender
Crack three duck eggs into blender
Cover liberally with Heinz green catsup
Add two tablespoons of salt
Add 1 tablespoon of Tobasco sauce
Blend for 20 minutes at sonic speed
Empty contents of blender onto tray. Leave tray out for 24 hours at room temperature.
Garnish with cauliflower.

Mmmmmm Mmmmmmm! Eat your heart out Tony Blair.

Meeting

There is a meeting with Lorenzo scheduled for 5:15pm this afternoon. Please clear your calendars - this is a top priority. Lorenzo has traveled from afar to be briefed on our progress as individuals, as a team and as a self sustaining organism.

The agenda for the meeting is as follows:
5:15 - Introduce Lorenzo to the team
5:25 - Individual team members will introduce themselves to Lorenzo. When introducing yourself, please be sure to mention the following: a) Your favorite flavor of ice cream b) your shoe size c) your sexual preference (men, women, both, neither or other) d) your strategy for increasing market share for your particular product line and/or geographic region
5:45 - Lorenzo will teach us how to make lemonaid from lemons. Please be sure to bring a large pitcher, ice, lemons and sugar. No artificial sweetener will be allowed into the room. Lorenzo is deathly afraid of all artificial sweeteners. Large doses have been proven to cause cancer in lab rats.
6:05 - Lorenzo will sneeze, pass gas, belch and pick his nose. This ritual marks the half way point of our meeting.
6:07 - Lorenzo will begin his presentation on "The molecular structure of petroleum based plastic derivatives and how we can make the world a greener place by spray painting everything green."
6:50 - Lorenzo will conclude his presentation with a human sacrifice. Straws will be drawn.
7:10 - Dinner

***NOTE*** When addressing Lorenzo, do not look him directly in the eye. If for some reason you do look Lorenzo in the eye, you should immediately go to your hands and knees and begin to massage his calves while singing the Algerian national anthem.

Fight Fight Fight!!!!

Sgt. Pepper is kicking the crap out of Major Tom! I bet he wishes he had taken his protein pills and put his helmet on now. What a loser.